I am tying my weight to my worth and I know it. Why?

Well, because I have internalized fatphobia. I believe that fat people are lazy and don’t take care of themselves and that they’re not desirable to men. I feel like being a desirable human (to both women and men) is important. Maybe THAT’S what I really see is tied to my worth, desirability.

But doesn’t that kind of make sense? If I’m not desirable, am I still worth as much? I guess an 89-year-old yogi or sage is still worth as much. A mother is still worth as much. A cancer patient is still worth as much. An amputee is still worth as much. A tiny baby is still worth as much.

But for some reason an able-bodied overweight middle-aged woman? Ehhhhh, I don’t know so much about that. I guess because I truly believe that our weight is under our control. Those other people have stuff going on and I don’t think any less of them because that’s not in their control.

I don’t know. I’m so exhausted from trying to figure this all out. I guess I could try to believe that “an able-bodied middle-aged overweight woman is equally as valuable as a beautiful slim middle-aged woman”.

Or “all women are equally as valuable regardless of how they look.” I would like to believe that one.

But I can see how I primarily evaluate a woman’s worth by how desirable she is to men. I feel like these are some nasty internalized beliefs here that possibly come from our society.

I want to believe that women of all shapes and sizes are equally as worthy. It’s gonna be hard for me to believe that overweight people aren’t lazy, but I could believe that lazy people are valuable. I can get on board with that.

I feel so messed up about this. Do other people have these beliefs? I can’t be the only one.

OR, I can see how I’m also lazy. I am. I did almost no work today and now I’m in the bath, and my kitchen is a mess. So I can see that I’m also lazy.

I want to believe that all women of every shape size color anything – is equally as worthy.

I want to believe that women who make food choices that result in a bigger body size are equally as worthy too.

I can find some exceptions to this obviously. Lizzo seems pretty awesome. Notorious BIG was great. Ashley Graham is beautiful.

I don’t know. Is any of this even relevant? I feel like this is a painful way to live because I basically project it onto myself and live in fear of getting fat. Is this just fatphobia?