Why Can’t I Have the Closeness I Want?

The guy I just started seeing who I was excited about failed to text me yesterday when he said he would.

One close friend is having her own emotional upheaval and hasn’t been very available for me for months by her own admission.

I reached out to my other close friend and said I needed support and that I was having the thought that it’s hard to count on anyone after the guy didn’t text yesterday. We live texted a couple minutes about it and then she suddenly stopped replying, so I was triggered again. She has also not replied to some of my audio messages until I prompt her.

My Mom is no good with emotional support and lacks empathy and emotional capacity.

My Dad is actually helpful 75% of the time but I don’t want him to worry about me and I already talk to him every few days.

I have a couple other close friends but they often take a couple days to get back to me and have young children and full time jobs so aren’t as available.

And I’m in a new city with no friends here. The one guy who seemed to be my first friend got really critical of me last time we grabbed lunch and I felt attacked and don’t want to be his friend anymore.

And a girlfriend I made enrolled in esthetician school and dropped off the radar. We finally made plans for tomorrow and she just canceled on me like an hour ago.

I’m a super supportive friend with a large emotional capacity and lots of empathy. I’m not perfect, of course, but I’m loyal and I make an effort to invest in my relationships.

I guess I just wonder if I keep investing in the wrong relationships? Because I don’t feel like I am getting much back and I am certainly not achieving the relationship life I want. Then I just kinda blame myself and wonder what I must be doing wrong.

For decades I hung out with friends from high school until I finally realized I had to let them go because they were bringing me down and not meeting my friend needs. They’d support me when I was down but would never celebrate my wins sincerely. I had to be willing to be alone and willing to put effort into new friendships to make this change and it was hard.

I love humans but they are so freaking challenging! How do I get the relationships I truly desire? Close, intimate ones with people who are generally positive, funny, available and on a spiritual growth path, but not spiritually bypassing or criticizing me or my feelings.