Next time you have an urge to eat what you referred to as “garbage food,” stop and do a thought download. Answer your question: Why do I want to eat this? What does your brain come up with?
If it’s about numbing and disappearing, what are you trying to numb or disappear from? Why?
It is definitely about numbing and disappearing. The actual words I wrote down were that I wanted to “disappear” into the gelato. I can 100% feel that I am pushing my emotions down down down. The emotion I feel is anxiety and restlessness. My brain starts offering me thoughts and pictures that make me feel panicked, or overwhelmed, and I just want to push them down so badly. I feel like they are just too much and I can’t contain them. This is truly how I feel. I feel like I can’t contain the intense feelings of anxiety and overwhelm, and I urgently need to push them down. This has been happening my entire life, and I just can’t seem to deal with it. It’s like, it becomes almost impossible feeling to do the thought download at this point, because I don’t WANT to be mindful, I want to numb myself out.
Maybe I need to learn to handle small feelings of overwhelm and anxiety? I feel like I have tried almost everything, but it’s very clear to me that there is an urge feeling that I really am having a very hard time allowing.
It felt entirely like something took me over. Once I started eating the gelato, I just wanted more more more. I didn’t want to be mindful. I wanted to numb.