I am trying to figure out the model for this intrusive thought that created mind drama for me this summer. I turned 50 this year. In the last couple of years I have spearheaded and helped organize several 50th birthday parties for close friends. I was expecting a party for me. Unfortunately nobody realized it was my milestone birthday, until a week before I turned 50, and then a friend told me they wanted to celebrate and asked for dates/themes/etc.
The problem is, I was expecting this call a month or two prior, because that’s how long it takes to organize a party. I regrettably spent those months ruminating over the thought about why nobody remembered it was my 50th until a week before.

The thoughts I was having included: I wasn’t good enough to have a party for me, I don’t have true friends, I need external validation to feel worthy, loved by my friends.

The feelings I had with these intrusive thoughts were of sadness, rejection, feelings of loneliness.

Action: It made me think about not wanting to throw any more parties for anyone anymore, or show up as the friend I want to be.
The result was that I stopped initiating contact with my friends, and when they did offer to throw me a party eventually I told him I didn’t want one.

In my intentional model, I’d like not to base my friendship on a transactional nature. I recognize that I have models for what I expect from a friendship, and I’d like not to judge anybody based on the model that I expect. I want to love my friends as they are. And I want to feel loved by myFriends, regardless of what they do or don’t do for me.

How do I create my belief ladder to move from my current belief of what friends should be/do, to believe my friendships are genuine, feel loved, and don’t need attention/parties to believe this.