Why fasting

Hi coaches. I have a cognitive dissonance around my WHYs I am fasting:
— why fasting:
—- These people I know by fasting can maintain a lean physique
—- There are people that can fast x amount of hours each day. If I get anxious when sugar is low, its just a mental scheme triggering me, I can change it
—- I want to be able to allow urges with no effort, get so used to allow urges that I never get trapped by anxiety. Once desensitized, i.e. hunger not triggering me, I’ll be able to both focus on work and keep my best shape (win both)
—- my body has somatized anxiety, by staying more in anxiety my body will eventually desensitize
—- I want to win this challenge, dropping it would feel like a defeat, and that I have just wasted all this time

— why not fasting:
—- This desire of mine is based on a dislike of my body, “I should be able to love my body at any size”
—- This challenge of wanting to get to the place where allowing hunger to be there without being anxious has already cost me moths of experimenting and trying
and staying in resistance, which drew energy away from my work and social life. I should be reasonable and aligned with my priorities
—- If I get used to fasting, I cannot trust myself I won’t use it against myself to just eat less
—- my body has somatized anxiety, the more I keep staying in anxiety the more I’ll keep these physical symptoms
—- My ego is on the line in this challenge, I want to keep doing it just to make sense of the fact that I have done it so far

So I have been locked in this dissonance for months, so that I go into fasting each day with these thoughts popping into my head, and each time I run a new model I consider a new aspect of it, I try practicing some new thoughts. I am planning ahead of time for it, but my whys are not clear, so that every time when the fasting period comes I get stuck in this inner conflict. So this is clearly not working (even though even here I could think that this is offering me lot of insights and that slow or fast I am making progress). I feel I would really need your advice here. Thanks