I have gained 40 pounds over the last year. Since I spent it mostly at home due to Covid, I only purchased for myself joggers (each month in a bigger size) and I literally have nothing to wear other than that in my closet.
A dear friend is visiting NYC from abroad and when we spoke on the phone a few weeks ago I invited him over for dinner and planned that we would also do something together on Saturday.
I tried on my entire closet and found not even a single item that fits me. I went ahead and ordered several dresses and pants, paid extra for expedited shipping, and I’m hoping they will arrive on time and fit well.
What happens now is that I find myself considering canceling his visit because I have a few thoughts running on a loop:
C = Friend I haven’t seen more than a year is visiting this Friday
T = He saw me last when I was 40 pounds lighter
F = Shame
A = Trying on all my clothes, ordering XXL size dresses and shape-wear, considering coming up with an excuse to cancel last minute, overeating, worrying.
R = I gain even more weight, I overspend.
C = Friend I haven’t seen more than a year is visiting this Friday
T = I rather come up with an excuse than have him see me this way
F = Fear
A = Considering different lies to tell him as to last minute cancel, overeating, worrying, ordering clothes.
R = I gain more weight, I overspend.
So, right now I am at the point where the invitation of him coming over is still on. When I ask myself how do I want to feel towards his visit, my answer is connected, joyous, and confident.
Then I asked myself, what will I need to think to feel this way?
T: He probably enjoys my company regardless of the number on the scale.
T: There are women who are much bigger than me who feel absolutely confident and sexy in their bodies.
T: What matters is to make memory making moments and for that it doesn’t matter how much I weigh.
So, I do believe these 3 thoughts but my question is: I notice my brain still looping back to the fear of being judged, looking ugly, feeling heavy, and not enjoying the moment, why would a human brain prefer to think these thoughts? What’s the upside?
