When and how will I ever truly feel forgiveness in my heart and be able to trust again?

Hello, on one hand I feel I’ve come such a long way, but then I fall into these ruts of self pity. I see it, I believe it to be self pity and I seriously feel I can’t stop myself. When I’m like this, I can’t help but ask will I ever truly forgive and trust my husband for the hurt he has put me through … or any man for that matter.

More about me and my situation:
I’ve been trying to rebuild myself since April 2016, when my husband requested a separation to pursue a relationship with a married woman we know from our (and her) daughter’s soccer team. Through the many programs I’ve joined (Marriage Foundation, Marriage Helper, and Marriage Max) trying to save my marriage, I’ve learned that I cannot have expectations or control over others, and I’m only responsible for my actions. I’ve taken responsibility for the way I treated him disrespectfully. I’ve apologized to him and to God. I fall very short of being a compassionate and forgiving Christian though.

My husband filed for divorce in June 2016 and told me he was done 2 years earlier, how we aren’t compatible, blah, blah, blah. He wants nothing to do with me now. Looking back, I too feel as if I stopped trying. I held a grudge over my husband, since we were married 12 years ago. He had an emotional affair 6 months into our marriage, and I would blame him for all our problems. He was also addicted to porn, which I tried my best to deal with. It was another thing I blamed him for our failing marriage. He knew how I felt about it, and it was hard for me to understand it was an addiction not personal. It was hard, because I’ve never had high self esteem. When I went through breast cancer in 2009, opted for double mastectomy after learning I was genetically predisposed, I felt even more inadequate when comparing myself to porn stars. I caught him as he tried to hide the DVD while trying to distract my attention to something he was “researching” on our computer. Again I tried to deal with it, begging we go to counseling. He wouldn’t. The last time we had sex, it was not intimate, he was done in about 2 minutes and didn’t bother trying to please me. It was as if I wasn’t there. It was at that moment I gave up, because I couldn’t stand his selfishness.

I believe God has put me on this path either to really save my marriage or at least learn what it takes to be in a good marriage, work on myself and be a better person and role model for my 3 daughters. The big positives that have come from this hardship, is I am becoming closer to a God and so is the youngest of my 3 daughters.

This is my 2nd marriage…failed marriage! My 2 older daughter’s are from my first marriage. The divorce was consensual. My ex husband was unsupportive, controlling and bullish. He still to this day tries to belittle me. It was as if I didn’t matter to him, he worked on his cars, could chat for hours with his friends and not carry on any sort of conversation with me. At the end of our marriage he started actively pursuing a friend of ours. They denied it, but once we were divorced they were together. I felt betrayed, never worked on myself before moving into my second marriage. Once I felt betrayed and taken for granted my wall went up.

My current husband has asked why I want him back after all that has been done. I told him that I believe he is a good person who is making really bad choices right now. He appreciated me saying that. I told him I’m signing the divorce papers. I’m giving myself these 2 years, until the papers don’t need my signature. The divorce will be finalized in April or June 2018.

I don’t know what God has planned for me. I don’t see myself ever opening up to another man, because I can’t envision trusting them nor can I envision a man ever wanting to be with a woman without breasts ((I have implants, but I’m still deformed from scarring, etc). PLUS look at all the bad baggage I have!

Whew! That was a lot …sorry.
Thank you and I look forward to your response!

Kim DeBock