Window shopping buffering

I have some buffering behavior around shopping for a new purse and want some outside input. Sometimes it’s daily that I look online and put items in my Amazon cart, I often will buy one and then later return the item. I want to stop doing this, I feel it’s bad for the environment, not good for my wallet and this cycle makes me feel bad about me. I feel embarrassed by this behavior and will hide what I’m looking at on my computer so my husband or kids don’t see.

Some of my thoughts about why I do this:

  • I’d really like to pack up my life and take off from where I am and not come back.
  • I’m not happy with who I am and if I just had a cute purse/bag I would feel better about myself (I know this is only temporary)
  • I get a high after I’ve made the purchase and am so excited for about a day and then when the item arrives and after opening the package most of the time I return it. My anticipation and excitement are not matched when I see/hold the actual purse.
  • I’m bored and don’t have other hobbies I can do throughout the day that help me buffer from my job that I don’t really like.
  • I really don’t like the bag I have now, it makes my shoulder hurt so I want a replacement.

C: Shopping for a purse (online and in stores)
T: This is stupid and wasteful and negatively impacts the environment when I ship it back
F: Bad
A: Tell myself I will stop, find myself continuing to look on Amazon and Pinterest for bags, use the same purse I’ve had for years, internally grumble when my shoulder starts to hurt and think I need to find something else
R: I create a wasteful cycle of buying and sending purses back

Do I just need to feel everything through out the day and not react/revert to looking on Amazon for the next shiny thing? So when I’m at the store and my purse is bothering my shoulder, do I just lean into the uncomfortable feeling of hurting, feeling like I don’t have the right thing or maybe I’m not right (maybe it’s a feeling that there is something wrong with me) or the next time I want to pick up my phone to see what I can find through a search, do I just sit there and feel the boredom? So far I’ve only been successful once at sitting through a negative feeling. I did this by telling myself I didn’t have to solve for the feeling and within about 20 minutes later I actually felt elated, it was an actual high feeling that swept into my body.

I’ve heard Brooke say before that our stories don’t really matter, so maybe the underlying reason why I shop doesn’t matter, like maybe it doesn’t matter that I’m doing this to overcome feeling inadequate but rather maybe I just need to feel into what is going on in my body when I want to pick up my phone to shop.

Any insight/advice welcome – Thank you