I came to scholars because I hated my job and myself and as I work to clean up my thoughts about it, I am remembering how Brooke talked about past jobs that she hated or disliked. And I remember her saying how thinking she hated it really actually weakened her and I am seeing how that’s playing out for me too. I am playing with the idea that maybe it is okay that I don’t enjoy this job and that I think I’m not very good at it. And I have to question why I want to think that. I see how the way I’m showing up isn’t going to lend itself well to finding a new job or building a business.
How do I show up in a job that may not be a great fit for me and my natural talents, where everything takes a massive amount of energy and TW to do so I can go onto doing something I really love and am good at? I mean, I somehow do get my work done, so that’s kind of a weird thing. I must be good enough at it and I’ve been in my job for almost five years. Although my brain thinks that’s a huge mistake and I should have been fired or never hired long ago. Of course I think that, it’s trying to prove how much I suck and the reality of it doesn’t really support those thoughts. I think I still think me sucking at this job is a C. But it is almost as if I’ve run the model so many times to prove it true that now it is true. But I do see how other thoughts are just as true, like that …
Anyway, I see how my opinion of myself needs to change, regardless of what I do. And my opinion of the value that I provide – I don’t value the work that I do at all. I feel bad that people would pay as much as they do for the work that I do. Oof, I didn’t know I thought that. I take it for granted that somehow I’m able to do my work even while I am thinking all of these negative thoughts about it and myself. I can’t help wondering what I would be capable of if I changed my brain.
C: me in my job
T: I hate this
R: I hate myself (?)
C: me in my job
T: this is the job that I am CHOOSING to show up to right now
A: do the job because that’s where I am right now; open my mind to other possibilities
R: I recognize my own agency in what I’m doing with my life and career