Working the Model: My best friend didn’t invite me to her Wedding Ceremony.


Hi Brooke!
I started listening to your podcast this past March and have been working my way through the episodes chronologically. I’m absolutely in love with your coaching style and the concept of being in control of everything in my life instead of assuming a victim mentality and blaming my thoughts and feelings on external circumstances. I finally took the big leap and joined SCS and am so excited to dive into the work of developing “me” this year.
I am starting out by really trying understand and apply the model to my life, but I wanted to make sure I’m on the right track. The model below is a very difficult situation I have been trying to deal with and make decisions about, but I would love your help with working through it. Thanks in advance.
Katherine

Background:
-My oldest friend (let’s call her Bee) is a person I have known since I was around 4 years old (I’m 32 now and she’s 30). We grew up on the same street and made many great memories together as kids. As we got older we always remained close, but had different circles of friends (since we were in different grades) and interests (I played soccer, she played hockey). After High School, I started University and remained in the city we grew up in. She applied and was accepted to Harvard University to play hockey for 4 years.
We kept in touch throughout this time; sometimes not talking for a few months due to life’s craziness, but we always reconnected and picked up where we left off. Eventually, she came home to find a job and start her career and I was planning my wedding at that time. I asked her to be a bridesmaid (My sister was my maid of honor), and she was there to help plan my bridal shower, stagette and help me pick out my dress (among other things). I eventually went on to have 2 daughters who called her ‘Auntie Bee’. I made sure she was one of the first people to meet my 1st daughter when she was born, and I gave her one of my 2 permitted guest passes to the hospital to meet my 2nd daughter the day after she was born. I always considered her a second sister and gave her many privileges and opportunities to have a special role in the sacred moments of my life and my kid’s lives.
She got engaged about a year ago and originally planned to get married this upcoming August on her parent’s acreage. We were talking about wedding details and I jokingly asked her if I was going to be invited to her wedding with which she responded “of course!” In January of this year we were having dinner together and wedding planning came up. She then told my sister and me that her and her fiancé had decided to have a small family-only wedding ceremony in March and none of her friends were going to be invited. Her husband did decide to invite his best friend/former roommate (and his best friend’s wife) as he considered him to be “like a brother to him” (he is an only child). Bee said they were still having the wedding reception in August as initially planned and that my sister and I would be invited to that.
I got home from the dinner and proceeded to ball like a baby to my husband about how hurt and devastated I was about everything she has decided to do. I eventually told her how I felt and basically she said ‘Please don’t think of it as I don’t want you there. You are a special friend and I have always considered you like a sister to me”. Bee said she knew this decision would hurt some people’s feelings and may mean some people choose not to come to the reception in August, but they have decided this is what they want to do and they have to live with the consequences.
They got married in March as planned and I have been battling with how I want to proceed or not proceed with our friendship. My husband is very strong in his belief that I should ‘cut her out’ of my life stating “you don’t need friends like that” and “obviously she doesn’t care about you”. Part of me is so angry and betrayed by everything that happened and wants to just be done with her, but the other part of me doesn’t want to lose her as a friend and wants to be confident and sure in my ultimate decision. Life has been crazy and I haven’t actually seen her in person since her wedding (part of that is definitely me avoiding making a decision on what to do). I am supposed to get together with her and my sister next weekend. I also need to RSVP to her wedding reception in August. Anyways, I finally applied the model to my thinking and would greatly appreciate your guidance in working through this process, so I can finally make a choice and move on. Thank you so much!

Current thinking/model (I realize I probably should do a few models on each thought but that would take forever!):
C – Bee didn’t invite me to her wedding ceremony in March.
T -(I have a bunch of them!)
-She doesn’t care about me and value our friendship in the same way I do.
-I’m not important to her.
-Our friendship is not what I thought it was and she isn’t who I thought she was.
-Our friendship has been a lie.
-How could she do this? I would never have done this to her (and didn’t). It wasn’t even a question in my mind that she wouldn’t be invited to my wedding ceremony.
-I have other friendships I should focus on developing instead of continuing to put in effort and value a friendship with someone who obviously doesn’t value me.
-I gave her so many special privileges in my life and allowed her to be an important part of my kids’ lives and I didn’t even make the cut for the wedding ceremony.
-I don’t deserve to be treated this way.
F -Betrayed, hurt, upset, angry, sad, unimportant/worthless.
A -Avoid seeing her and stop making effort to talk to her or see her. I don’t go to her wedding reception and I eventually delete her from my life.
R -I end our friendship and she is no longer in my current and future life.

What could I think instead?
How would I like to feel?

C – Bee didn’t invite me to her wedding ceremony in March.
T -It’s their wedding, their lives and their choice.
-This is what they wanted and it has nothing to do with me.
-There is nothing wrong with me. I am an amazing person and friend.
-I chose to give her those special roles/privileges in my life (that was my decision and this is her decision).
A-I go to the wedding reception.
-I continue our friendship and she remains in my life (most likely in a different way than before).
R-I keep her as a friend, but move her down my priority list (ex: I don’t go out of my way to get together with her, but will see her if I’m able to get together and catch up with my sister as well).