Working through not having a manual with boyfriend


I’ve been working on the relationships lesson and am trying to get rid of the manual I have for my boyfriend. Need help changing my thoughts around the amount of time we spend together and him planning it ahead of time with me.

Since we don’t live near each other and have dogs that we need to get sitters for when we are together, usually some type of planning is required to see each other.

Earlier in the week we had a conversation about how when we got back together after our breakup he did not think we were going to see each other again every weekend and says he needs time to focus on his sleep – he’s dealing with sleep apnea. I feel like when you love someone you make time for them and had suggested alternatives such as daytrips or me sleeping on the couch when I go to his place so it does not interfere with him wearing his sleep apnea mask. I also expressed that I would like to spend at least two to three nights with the person I’m dating.

To make a long story short, he was supposed to let me know 2 days ago about our plans for this weekend. At this point it seems like we are not going to see each other and I’m trying to not let the anger I’m feeling over the fact that he never let me know about it, get to me.

I want to say something to him about letting me know but am struggling with that if I do so then it would not lead me to feelings I’d like in our relationship which is to feel secure and trust we will be together for a long time (hopefully forever) so there’s no need to rush this.
I’m also trying to be understanding of his sleep issues and be patient with him even though because of them, I can’t spend the amount of time with him that I’d like.

I think if I say something about him not letting me know, he is going to become frustrated because he probably assumes since earlier in the week I told him I support him with his sleep apena, then I was going to back off.

Where is there a line between a manual and not having needs met?
I can deal with this for now but since I did not see him last weekend either, if I go 3 weekends in a row, I don’t know that I can. And now next weekend is Memorial Day and he will likely be going to his mom’s house – he has not told his family we are back together. My mind is running wild.
By not having a manual, does that mean just sitting back and keeping your mouth shut when your partner does something that you feel was disrespectful? Every ounce of me says to let it go but then another little piece says – he has some nerve.

I’m trying to find peace in my model from my coaching call to focus on me and not let his actions affect me.

How I’d Like to Be:
1. I’ll see him when I see him.
2. By not seeing him, I have more time to spend on myself.
3. The extended time not being together will make the time we do spend together even more special.
4. I had a life before him, when we were broken up, and I have a life now.
5. It’s important that I focus on the things I enjoy and not worry about when I’m going to see him next.
6. Him not making an effort to see me does not affect me (this one is hard because it actually hurts me and makes me feel like I’m not a priority).

UM
C. BF did not let me know about weekend plans.
T. He does not want to see me as much as I want to see him.
F. Hurt
A. I overplay why he has not let me know about our weekend plans.
R. Remain pissed about the situation.

IM
C. BF did not let me know about weekend plans.
T. If I’m patient we can have a happy long-term future together.
F. Content
A. Focus on other things that bring me joy.
R. I focus on myself and less about him.