I realize that I have this thing where I’m sometimes afraid that someone is being physically hurt.
Anytime I hear a loud noise, a yell, a bang on the wall, loud steps, arguing or in some cases no noise (sexual abuse).
I stop what I’m doing and listen to make sure everything is okay. Sometimes I check.
I know this comes from being a little girl and finding my mom and dad fighting physically.
My mom and her ex boyfriend throwing things at eachother and hurting each other.
My aunt hitting my aunt during the time I lived with her and while she was pregnant.
My ex boyfriend and I arguing which then led to him hitting and kicking me.
When I was young, being kissed and touched by an older man ( we talked about this in Masterclass).
I don’t this type of violence in my life anymore but it certainly lives in my brain.
I don’t trust the man my mom and I live with because maybe he will touch my little sister ( even though he hasn’t done anything to make me think this ) or that my mom might get really upset and hurt my little sister more than just throwing a shoe at her. Or even hurting their little chihuahua.
I’m now seeing that this is a problem. It stops me from going to sleep or doing anything even for just a few minutes.
Even when random men walk past me, I have this anger sometimes depending if they try to look at me. I feel violated in some way.
Then I feel horrible for thinking so negatively about someone I don’t even know.
I know there isn’t any actually violence happening but my instinct tells me to stop and listen just in case.