Worth, Business and buffering

I realized I’ve been pushing myself to build a business not because I really wanted to create something, but to prove something to someone or something outside myself, and my lack of success was due in a big part to my sense of desperation and neediness. I also realized I was buffering with business building and going in circles because I didn’t want to deal with my thoughts of self worth if I wasn’t making X income and was focusing on my health and my kids and co-managing my husband’s and my rental properties.

I went through the money course and it helped settle a lot in my mind about whether or not I “deserved” the rental income benefit since my husband’s money bought the properties as my net worth would still be half the value if we were to split up and that’s substantial.

I decided recently that a) I have enough to survive and b) that I really need to focus on my mind and thoughts around low self worth before I re-start a side business. Like I need to be ok with not having a business before I can create one so I can create one I actually care about and am not just trying to prove to imaginary people in my head that I’m good enough now that I’m an online entrepreneur and not “just” a wife/partner/mother. I was just trying to throw something out there because I thought it would prove I was now worthy and better than.

I was using business building like I’ve used alcohol, drugs, and overspending in the past and it was hurting my relationships with my husband, kids, and causing me to show up as a real estate co-owner pretty half-assed for important decision making and regular maintenance and I also ignored my health to the point of physical burnout.

So I decided last month to go all in on my health and home life and work with what I already have. And I am struggling SO hard with this! I feel like I’ll never get something going if I drop it now and wonder if I’m just giving up. I compare myself to people with business goals and my big goals are establishing good home/self-care/self-coaching routines, spending time with my dog and teaching my children good hygiene! My brain keeps telling me c’mon… you can fit a business in there… just one hour a day? Or two… maybe three? Do I need to do 100 urges around business building? Snap myself with a rubber band everytime I think about listening to Gary Vee?

At my core…. I’m not sure I really want a business. I wouldn’t mind just repurposing some assets, buying a house in Costa Rica and raising my kids and walking my dog and making my mind a better place to live.