I feel wretched, despite having a comfortable and fortunate life. There are so many things contributing to the feeling –so many thoughts, that I can’t see my way out. It seems like all the thoughts are connected and interwoven to the point that I can’t figure out which one is which; I can’t parse them, and I just think I’m a miserable person to live with, that everything is my fault; yet, I can’t stop being miserable and letting it show. Here are a few models. How can I change the beliefs? When I think of the actions associated with new beliefs, I feel like throwing up.
C: husband & I have only been intimate once since mid December.
T: initiating sex is shameful for women
A: try to problem solve with husband such that HE initiates, lie in bed feeling paralized if ever there is an opportunity to be intimate (schedules aren’t synched; kids sometimes come in; mom lives with us & we’re in an apartment…), don’t seize any opportunities, spin in my head, blame husband, don’t sleep, entertain self-reproach, avoid eye-contact with husband during the day, am short tempered & no fun…
R: no intimacy (and no connection –the thing I long for most)
Relationship with mom model:
C: In response to my apology for being grouchy, mom says: “I’ve been trying to think, what have I done wrong? So I looked into myself and I didn’t find anything. If you could tell me, I could try to change…”
T: Oh God. I’m a bad daughter.
A: Avoid her. Engage in negative self-talk, cry alone, use irritated body language around her, fail to control mild criticisms of every idea she has or action she takes, blame her for my struggles to succeed, desperately (judgmentally) try to not be like her –instead, to plan ahead, be disciplined, keep organized, eat healthfully, all with the body language and vibe that I’m going to do the business of living, working, partnering, & parenting better than she did but simultaneously reprimanding myself for being ungrateful & shitty to be around.
R: I suck as a housemate, the relationship is strained, she is mystified, and I hate everything
Running a busines model
C: Facebook ad and YouTube links didn’t work yesterday
T: I won’t get new clients if I can’t figure out this technology shit; my busines will fail; I will prove my worst fears –that, just like my mom, I’m not able to generate my own money.
A: avoid trying to figure it out with other work-action items, get perfectionistic, berrate myself for being ineffective, don’t do thought work, get a literal neck ache, second guess everything, get paralyzed by fear that the ad/video is shit & will invite judgment or harassment, hold my jaw clenched for hours, avoid looking at my calendar/to-do list
R: I don’t figure out the technology & I don’t grow & generate money
Where do I go from here?
Thank you so much.