So… this is one I am ready to look at.
I can really lose my temper with my 3 year olds.
It scares me, only because I had a big temper when I was a kid and learned to suppress it.
Over the decades I have learned more about it… how when I was a kid I learned to bottle up my emotions and I would lose it when I couldn’t bottle them up any more. Then as I got older I learned how to express myself, and make myself heard.
With the kids, the “trigger”, if I can call it that, is them fighting with each other, and I need them to stop. (Model 1).
My thought about getting them to stop is “I don’t know to handle this” and my voice rises and I yell. (Model 2)
Then they cry and tell me they are scared of me, which has me feeling sad (Model 3)
C – kids fight
T – they shouldn’t be fighting
F – exasperation
A – stomp over to them and yell at them
R – they cry and I feel bad
C- Kids fight
T -wtf am I going to do (I don’t want to yell and don’t know how to manage this) (yes, I realize this is more than one thought)
F – confusion/fear/helpless
A – yell because there is no other option
R – crying and I am feeling bad
I should add that I feel horrible doing it – which I was outlining in Model 1 – the model around my yelling at them. Vs Model 2 which is my response their fighting.
C- Kids are crying and tell me that they are scared of me
T – F*ck, I am like my mom (I told my mom when I was 5 or 6 that I was scared of her when she yelled at me, and she told me to stop behaving in a way that has her yell… ugh).
F- Deep Sadness
A- I feel the sadness. and shortly after I talk with them about it. (I am not sure if these are 2 different models)
R – I am not really sure what the result is.
Now the good news is we have good laughs when times are good. I will ask them what mommy does when they fight. And they laugh and mimic me. So, there is some freedom there. I want something different overall. I am having trouble getting there.
C – kids fight.
T- they are 3
F- compassion. feel my life force (ie don’t shut down) … (yes I know there are a few feelings here)
A – Take a breath (they aren’t killing each other, they aren’t harming each other). Respond by meeting them where htey are at
R – the house feels less aggressive and I have more steadiness overall in my emotion
There are definitely some gaps here. I am super excited to explore this since it has some legs from the past (which I know doesn’t mean I have to bring the past forward) .. but still it feels very freeing.
Thanks for your help