Yes – that is how an offer should be written! :)

Hi Brooke,
Yes your version of an offer is far better BUT if I had done it properly in the first place I wouldn’t have gotten to experience the feeling I got when I read your note. (Recall I gave a vague offer of help for expansion to Canada and distribution of materials and you wisely pointed out that I could have stated my offer in a much better way that would give a higher likelihood of acceptance)

When I got your response, I immediately felt the need to explain why I’d written it the way I did and somehow convince you that I really do know how to make an offer. Fortunately, as I sat with those thoughts for a while, I challenged my thinking and realized how silly it was for me to be so worried about what you thought of me and my competencies. So I’m writing back not to clarify those points, but rather, to thank you for the lesson – I’m realizing I worry entirely too much about what people think of me. Seriously …. you live in another country and I’m paying you to help me. Why should it matter to me so much? Still trying to figure that part out but I guess acknowledging the thoughts/feelings is the first step right?!
thanks again,
PS – I’ll email you separately with a revised offer 😉