When I was younger, I was really shy. I was popular, but then I got bullied by a group of girls and I withdrew and was very insecure about myself. My mom pushed me to be “popular” by having friends and inviting people over. I did so sometimes, but never quite felt “good enough” again. I felt like I was genuinely annoying and that people didn’t truly want to hang out with me.
Fast forward to now and I have plenty of friends from various groups I don’t care at all about the past anymore and haven’t for a very long time. However, I have these particular people that trigger memories of that traumatic time in my life because I went through a period where they treated me similarly to how I was treated when I was bullied in the past.
Lately, a thought has been creeping in that I’ve had trouble flipping. The thought is “They like to throw parties and supposedly a lot of people go, so they must be better than me because I’m not throwing parties.” The truth is, I don’t want to throw parties! It’s not my interest! So why do I care about them doing it?
It seems like this is my younger self, tantruming for attention and I haven’t found the thought to counteract it. Today I was doing yoga and the thought crept in and it made me so cranky, my breathing changed and I felt overcome with the frustration of not being good enough for who I am today.
My future self does not care what these people do. She invites friends over as she pleases and throws parties when she feels like it, without basing her self-worth on someone possibly not attending. My younger self is holding on to the thought that I’m not good enough unless I’m “popular” in terms of having parties. My current self feels satisfied with my life until my younger self gets upset and then I think, maybe she’s right! I think I need a bridge thought.