Zimbabwe


Fact: My husband is in Zimbabwe and I’m in Canada with our kids
Fact: Covid 19 is happening
Fact: flights are being restricted/canceled
Fact: My husband is not planning to fly back to Canada. He wants to go ahead with our plans to build a future for ourselves in Zimbabwe
Fact: Our daughter is type 1 diabetes and at higher risk.

Thoughts:
-He should fly back while the borders are still open
-I want our family to be locked down together.
-I don’t want to deal with all of this by myself
-I’m not going to see my husband again
-If he survives it will be a long time before we are reunited.
-People around me are going to die and I’m going to have no support
-If he really cared about us he would fly home immediately
-I’m not panicking, I’m thinking about what’s best for our family.
-He is being selfish.
-I don’t know what to do.

Feelings:
Disappointment
Grief
Anger
Bitterness
Sadness

Actions:
Paralyzed: not working on the business.
Threw Monday hour one out the window
overbinging on social media
crying
doing models and trying to treat myself with compassion

Result
Totally frustrated

I don’t know how to separate these out into different models.

I know I can think …

He’ll probably be fine
I’ll find peace no matter what

But I almost don’t want to. It’s like I want to prepare for the worst now and armour up.
And I don’t believe it.

I really think, Damn, the best part of my life (when we were together) is over.
And now I’m living with my mom, stepdad and little brother in an overcrowded house for the foreseeable future.
This sucks.

If I think he’s probably going to die, I can be pleasantly surprised when he survives.

I feel way deep in the hole and every part of me is going worst-case scenario.
This is extra upsetting because I’m usually extremely optimistic and hopeful.