I’m not sure how to sit with the urge.

I’m not sure how to sit with the urge.  I get nervous just thinking about cutting back, although I know I need to and want to. Drinking does affect my daily life and productivity and my physical health. I drink a bottle + a night, and if I start earlier in the day, can consume 2 bottles, but really don’t sleep well and feel miserable in the morning.  Any help or advice you can give is much appreciated.

I really DON’T want to be a drinker, but… I LOVE drinking. I definitely drink to numb and to buffer and I desire to change that. I drink on an empty stomach, because if I drink with a meal, I don’t get the affects and just feel bloated. I have a high tolerance for wine and I really want to change this. I live alone and have relocated to be closer to grand kids, and I haven’t made a lot of friends yet. So I’m home a lot and that is okay with me, but the longer I’m home, the more time I have to drink. I’ve had a lot of life transitions over the past several years and after closing a restaurant I opened after 2 years, it really messed with my self esteem and my ability to feel valuable, to see myself as a success, even though my mind Knows I’ve done some amazing things. I said all that to say,
I’m having a hard time being present with my urges and taking my decisions seriously and sticking to my drink plan. For starters, i don’t want to drink a bottle + every night. So starting with a drink plan of a bottle a night seems excessive, but… the thought of decreasing, makes me very unsettled and anxious. I went on vacation with a grand daughter for 5 days and was able to only drink 3 glasses a night and one night only 2. But we were out late and had a busy schedule, so it seemed more natural to not drink as much. I also didn’t enjoy it as much, as it was late and we had early morning alarms set, and a couple of nights I drank another glass, just because, and absolutely regretted it. . But once I got home, I have felt like a crazed woman, drinking at least a bottle a day, fear cursing through my veins at the thought of NOT being able to drink. It does frustrate and scare me. It may seem silly, but the more I listen to the podcasts, the more videos I watch or material I read, I seem to be going the opposite direction of where I really want to go. I do want to cut back and be in control of how much I drink and not “HAVE” to drink every day.
Can you help me make sense of where I am. I know I’m not alone. Thanks for your work and thanks in advance for your help and support.