Hey ! My question is around a 21 year old daughter (Carmen). She has been at the same job for 4 years, she has complained most days about her job, they have trained her to not be good to customers (their customer service philosophy at her current job is hurting her ability to get a new job). I see evidence of this when she comes home and complains every day about the “bitchy customers” and she failed a customer service multiple choice test that apparently no one had failed, at my friend’s clothing store where my friend is a manager and before Carmen failed, my friend was willing to hire Carmen as she thought she was a nice outgoing personality who would do well at the store. My friend, ended up not being able to hire Carmen, since Carmen failed this test. I have done and continue to do lot to help Carmen, but she doesn’t want to leave the comfort zone, she doesn’t really want the help, or take anything seriously, it is very easy for her at home (We are making it too easy I understand this which is why I am asking this question). She is living at home and we charge her a nominal amount of rent, her room is a pig sty, old food and gross things are in there. She doesn’t take the job interviews seriously that she gets called for, she went to the interviews wearing inappropriate clothes, so when I realized this, I took her shopping to get a proper outfit for the next ones. I set her up with a few interviews and one she decided not to show up for because she wanted to hang out with her boyfriend. I stopped directly helping after this, and I empowered her, showing her how to apply for more jobs on her own and she has been half-assed doing that here and there and getting some interviews lined up on her own. She hasn’t gotten any job offers and hasn’t wanted to keep moving forward to get a different/better job and she wants to spend time with her boyfriend and stays at his place several nights of the week. She is her own person I understand and she has to have her own experience of life and I cannot control her behaviour. I go for lunch with her weekly, and we spend time together talking when she IS home (which is very rarely) we talk and listen to her without judgement, and we make time at least once a week to talk, she says she has struggles of anxiety and depression, I have coached her using the model and she seems to feel better afterwards. I would say we have a good relationship. My question is what can I do to stop enabling her behaviour of irresponsibility and doing nothing etc. She is constantly months late with her rent, and when asked to clean her room she says she will but never does, then ignores me or any messages from me after I make any request of her. I think this is a boundary issue? My thoughts were perhaps form a consequence without getting upset with her. She is 21 so she is perfectly of age to move out on her own. She did move out on her own for a little bit and moved back home, The situation was that she basically moved in with her friend’s parents and her friend and paid the same amount of rent we are charging her to live at home. The reason she moved back was because she didn’t like getting nagged by her friends dad to “clean up” She felt it was unfair… I was thinking of some things like this: Hey Carmen if you do not clean your room by x date we will pack up all your stuff and store it in the garage until you are ready to move out, we are not mad but this is just something that has to be done as we can’t have this consistent mess in the house.

Carmen if you are late on your rent we need to find you a new place to live and move you into it? or Carmen if you are late with your rent again, we will raise it by x amount? These thoughts kind of get me to the result I would want, which is her having to be responsible for her own life and her own results since ultimately that is what will need to happen. Also scare me a bit, since I know she will not speak to me if I say these things to her. What do you think as someone who is not emotionally involved in this situation what are your thoughts?

Thank you sooooo much!