A model on the past to help me with the present.

Hi. I am so glad these are anonymous! I am divorced and still struggling to move past things. My ex husband could be very mean and I wanted to leave many times early in the relationship but he could also be very loving and I was very attracted to him. I actually have never been as attracted to any other person in my life. When he would shine his love on me, it was all I could see.

We dated twice before we got married and had kids. The first go around was when we were kids – ages 17-20 and had very good chemistry. When we got back together 10 years later at 30 we initially had good chemistry but then things went south. I had insecurities around my body and he had insecurities around his lovability. I hoped I could help heal his issues and he could help with mine… I thought that I could love him enough to make up for his not feeling loved by his family of origin.

Anyway…he became very distant and pulled away. Our sex life disappeared. He got meaner and meaner and meaner. He later told me that my insecurities were so unattractive that he lost interest, which I get but I thought we could have gotten help for that… I wanted help with that… I even asked him to help me with that… but he also said I had gotten too ugly to be with so he got mean so I would leave… (he looks like a movie star and I look like a normal, attractive person).

So… I keep doing models on the divorce to get some relief but it’s not working for me. I feel shame for having the insecurities to begin with and I feel shame for being rejected (I NEVER thought I would be THAT girl) and I feel shame for “letting myself go” after kids and being too ugly for him to want on top of my insecurities. It’s like I told myself, I am too ugly for him and so he proved me right! I do models on co-parenting issues now but this shame stuff always bubbles up and interferes with everything. I have to process this shame if I ever want to move on with my life… it’s underneath everything I do.

I can get some relief around the marriage piece because I didn’t want to stay married to him… but then I wonder… I didn’t want to stay because he got so mean and he got mean because I was insecure – so it all ends up wrapping around to be my fault in the end. I just wanted a close intimate relationship with our old sex life but he didn’t want me anymore and he says if I had just been more confident he would have wanted me – no matter what I looked like… so… I feel like everything was my fault. I want to do a model on the past to get relief for my present and future… but … it’s not working…

C – no sex – husband rolls over and says he is tired (every night)
T – my husband is not attracted to me. I am too ugly for him. I am not confident enough – but how do I get confident when he constantly rejects me and criticizes me?
F – rejected – worthless – ugly
A- cry – act distant
R – we are distant and fighting and breaking apart …

I felt like one of those beaten dogs that keeps coming back and getting beaten…

C – no sex – husband rolls over and says he is tired (every night)
T –

I have been staring at this model trying to figure out what I could possibly put in the T line to make me feel better about the fact that my first love (we met when we were 12) and the supposed love of my life (not true – he is with a much younger South American super model now) wouldn’t have sex me. (in the past)….

So… any advice???
Thank you!!!