Always on the defense

Brooke, I have noticed that I often feel defensive and angry, which starts from the thought “I am in trouble”, or “I am going to be in trouble”, or “someone is unhappy with, or mad at me”. I very often feel like a victim. These thoughts and feelings seem to be more real to me than any other thought or feeling I can imagine up. I often worry that I am going to be fired, that I am unlikeable, and that I am alone. The bizarre thing is, people often tell me I have a calming effect on them, or that I am a sweetheart. I wish I could think calm, sweet things that made me feel lovely, but I seem to just not be able to maintain that mindset for any period of time. My inner self is in almost constant turmoil. Every once in a while, I will get relief from it, but it is brief. I’ve been thinking to myself – “so what” if some one is mad or unhappy with me. “so what” if I get fired, and while this seems fine and dandy, there is a so what: I cant pay my bills, I am a lonely, friendless unlikeable person << that’s so what. I wish I could export myself to a different time and dimension and be free from it all. I have been following you for several months and have loved SCS, however, I am finding myself feeling apathetic to all of it because I am the same me, living in the past, recreating the past, doing what I have always done. I sound pathetic. what is the thing that will help me finally break free?