Boundaries with ex husband.

I left an abusive relationship 3 years ago. My ex-husband and I share three beautiful children and so, need to communicate fairly often.

My ex flip flops between communicating amicably and then going into abusive tendencies when not watching himself. Anger and rage appear to be his default and kindness takes real focus for him and he can never seem to sustain it for long.

Every time he would be kind I would get my hopes up that he had changed but then he would fall off of his kindness wagon and go into abuse again.. every single time. The last time I decided to block him on What’s App (our usual platform since he lives outside of the country 1/2 the time) but still allow email for logistics.

I want to have as little communication as possible. I want this because I don’t have friends who treat me cruelly and wouldn’t allow for that in a friend so why do I allow for it with him? I think it is safer for me and for our children for the two of us to have less communication. My issue is that I think you have said on your podcast, that we shouldn’t have to block people and he shouldn’t be able to upset me with his antics.

So do I allow for communication and all of the abusive comments he throws at me (at least now that he is out of the house he cannot come after me and threaten to physically harm me – which he used to do – and I kept staying in the marriage because he never actually hit me… although I lived my life at points in near-constant fear that he might kill me). I wish I could be around him and be fine with the crazy and abusive things he says and not care and not be affected but how does one do that?

And I am not the only one who feels that he is dangerous. His brother had a restraining order against him and two separate people (my babysitter and my child’s therapist) reported him to child services. How do you deal with someone like that? Thank you.