Answer to this question is that no, he isn’t. I have had many sexual partners and have had some very fun experiences. Yesterday after a really fun sex session he told me that I am the best sex he’s ever had hands down. I said something like “yes our sex is reeeally good” and he said that he has told me a few times that I’m his best and I’ve never said it back.
So I told him that I’ve slept with a lot of people and have had some fun experiences, and then he asked who could have topped him? So I was honest, and I told him about a fantasy style one night stand that was pretty hot. There were others that I didn’t mention, to be honest, since I have enjoyed having one night stands through my single thirties – I felt powerful, in control, desirable, and like I was blowing the guys mind. I liked that! It’s a part of my life I’m currently letting go of now that I’m in a relationship.
Anyway he was clearly upset by my answer. This morning he left and I feel something is wrong. My anxiety is at an all time high wondering if I did something wrong. I tend to have a lot of anxiety in general and have quite a few thoughts I think are “intrusive” and cause reassurance seeking. Some of my thoughts are: Is he mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Is he thinking of breaking up with me? How do I fix this? I ruined everything. Is he thinking that I can never be satisfied and is going to end the relationship?
These thoughts cause feelings of uncertainty. I HATE the feeling of uncertainty. When I feel this way I want to research if I did something wrong, ask my friends, text him to get a response, just do anything to ease my feelings of uncertainty.
C: S* gives me one word answers this morning
T: maybe I shouldn’t have said that last night
A: text him, post on ask a coach, google the situation to see what others say (ie: seek reassurance from outside myself)
R: I continue to seek reassurance outside myself and never learn to soothe myself. I perpetuate my anxiety.
If I’m honest, I wanted to tell the truth. I did tell the truth. So why am I so upset at his reaction? Can’t I let him think what he wants about me? I guess I can let him think what he wants. I think I get scared he is going to break up with me whenever he isn’t fully present with me. I also think he is judging me: “How could she put a one night stand before me?” I feel like I should backtrack and like I’m just bad or too much or stupid or insensitive. But I didn’t want to lie and say he is the best because he really isn’t.
I guess I can ask myself what reassurance I want to hear and give it to myself. I just can’t get out of the loop of feeling like I’ve done something wrong or that I’m bad. I think I’m just so scared of people not liking me when I’m honest. There’s a feeling here I’m avoiding and it’s uncertainty. Am I just supposed to feel uncertainty? I can’t! I hate it! I feel like looking for ways to soothe my anxiety around uncertainty is ruining my day. How do I get out of this?