Breakup (again or finally?) follow up

Hi, thanks for the coaching. I have done two in-person sessions so far. I find them helpful, but I am also more emotional than I expected. I often cry in counseling though, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Here are some responses to the last round of coaching questions:

What is it you WANT in a relationship and what kind of woman do you want to BE in that partnership?

I want a relationship that is monogamous. I want to feel safe physically and emotionally. I want mutual trust. Honesty and kindness are very important to me. Also, the ability to laugh, have fun, and have physical and emotional intimacy are at the top of my list. I would like to have a long-term relationship that has the potential to last through my lifetime (I’m 46).

I want to feel free to travel and spend time apart and we would both feel okay and continue to function normally and within relationship agreements.

I want to be able to grow and be my real self in the relationship. I want to be supported in my dreams and aspirations including international travel.

I want to be able to pursue a successful career while in the relationship. I would like to have financial and emotional stability. I want to have enough money to exit the relationship if I want to. I want to trust that he will be there for me in a good way through the breakup process if we don’t stay together.

I want to be with someone who is ambitious, energetic, and kind. I prefer someone who wants to spend time together outdoors.

I want to sleep together in the same bedroom. I want someone who rarely snores and takes decent care of themselves as far as diet and exercise. I do not want to be with an alcoholic or drug user. I do not want to be with someone who cheats on me or has very intense kink requirements.

I don’t want to do the majority of domestic chores especially cleaning gross things. I want a partner that is not excessively critical or demanding.

What would it take for you to create a healthier relationship with yourself in which you maintained boundaries and allowed yourself to feel the full spectrum of emotions?

I think I would have to say no more. In my most recent relationship, I was often doing things I wouldn’t do as my first choice, like spending all day in his bed because I don’t have a good place to work, or not going outside because the neighborhood is kind of boring/not much in walking distance/no garden and he prefers to stay in.

I have so many emotions, allowing myself to experience them all sounds like a full-time job. It’s overwhelming sometimes. I think I used to experience more joy and positive emotions, but I’m not sure. I am feeling more joy since starting thought work, maybe it’s just noticing and being present, and not resisting the negative emotions when they come.

Also, he had a lot of rules about how things should be in the house, and I think I should have talked to him more about the ones that made me uncomfortable. I think I maybe should have helped him less if he wasn’t going to help me with my stuff. Also, sticking up for myself or leaving sooner when he expressed certain ideas about the relationship that were upsetting or not in line with my preferences.

I found that I became passive and resentful, avoiding talking to him about issues instead of being open and communicative. I had a lot of fears and resentments about things he did and said. Some things were actually problematic, and some were just me being overly sensitive and critical. I have a tendency to want to control some things and ignore other things. I want to learn to become more curious, less afraid, and not take things so personally.

I want to start honoring my own wisdom and opinion instead of deferring to my partner’s. I want to be helping and giving from a place of feeling full instead of feeling defeated, not valued, or giving up. I want to be a good listener and access unconditional love while maintaining healthy boundaries.

What if you can simply decide what you want to create for your future, regardless of circumstances?

I feel like this last part is fuzzy for me. Like I know this, but I forget. Or I need a line of cheerleaders right now shouting and dancing and waving things to remind me.

When I am upset, it’s hard for me to think clearly about the future. I have been able to focus on long-term goals in the past when they only had to do with me and what I want to do. My mind can behave like a laser. (But getting the C you think you want doesn’t make you happy….) How do you do this when you have someone else in your life, or want to? I have a similar concern about my kids, who are 17 and 25, but my daughter has had major depression and my adult son has a serious health issue. How do I go for my dreams, but also responsibly take care of a family and/or relationship?

I feel like my desire for a relationship gets me off track, less efficient, less focused on my goals. I want to share my life with someone, but I’m not sure how to balance this.

Sorry for the long post and thanks for your help. I am ready for growth, but lately, it feels like I’m moving backward instead of forward (I know it’s a T).