I’m freaking out.

C: I ate sausage for lunch and jerk chicken, coleslaw, veggies, and three bites of Jamaican patty for dinner
T: I’m going to gain weight
F: panic
A: I counted up all my calories, freaked out in my mind, panicked about gaining weight, disconnected from my boyfriend, cut my hair extensions, picked at my skin, thought about how I’m gonna burn this all off, worried an upcoming trip and get scared about getting fat, frantically clean the kitchen, shower (basically – I buffer with activity)
R: I don’t feel my feelings, I buffer, I gain weight either mentally by the tremendous problems my thinking creates, and/or physically if I buffer with food

I don’t even think I look bad. I’m just so scared of gaining weight. I am absolutely terrified of gaining weight. I can see that when I think the thought “I’m going to gain weight” that I feel panicked, and I buffer. I’m caught in this cycle.

What do I make it mean about me if I think I’m going to gain weight? I make it mean that I’m going to be fat, which to my brain means useless, worthless, unlovable, worse than, lazy, gross, unworthy. I hate that I have these thoughts about being fat. It also means to me the death of the fantasy “me” that I have in my head. Death of the fantasy of me being perfect and small. It would be the death of a projected fantasy of me that doesn’t exist and never has. A fantasy me where I get special treatment because I’m pretty and thin, where everyone admires me, where I’m just like a celebrity who everybody loves. Maybe I’ll get picked up by a modeling agency. Maybe I’ll get famous and discovered, and one day I’ll be recognized. I’ll finally feel like I’m worthwhile. I’m 38 years old. I’ve been living in this fantasy for my entire life.

And without that fantasy, what am I? A pretty girl who might have thicker thighs and a bit of a bloated tummy sometimes. But will I be good enough then?

You see, I have trapped myself. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. On one hand I want to go back onto a strict protocol, because I actually do feel better when I eat that way. But on the other hand, is that just another way to buffer? Part of me thinks that yes, it is just more buffering.

It’s like when I believe my fantasy world, I’m not even present in my life at all.

I can also see that a fear of “gaining weight” is ridiculous. Because the weight really can be water or whatever. It’s like I’m afraid of the death of the fantasy me. If I give up trying to attain thinness and perfection, then what?

Then, I’m just me. As I am. So what?

Well then, I guess I just feel like….that’s not enough. It’s just not. It’s this idea again that hating on my body and myself is gonna fix things.

I’m living in this fantasy world that doesn’t even exist.

But I guess this is what I’m being called to deal with in this life.

I do feel better when I plan my food in advance. Absolutely I do. It calms the chatter down so much. I guess what I can do right now is feel. I’m not ready to weigh myself. I can allow the way I feel right now. I can allow the urge to eat more or restrict or calorie count even though I already did it. I can meditate for 15 minutes.

I’m open to any other suggestions. I’m struggling with self-acceptance.