I have the recurring thought that my boyfriend is getting in the way of my dreams. He hasn’t done anything but say he is supportive but I often have this feeling like I’m secretely waiting for him to get in my way by not approving if my work.
C: starting coaching business and makin content related to mental health
T: I can’t do that when I’m with him
F: Constricted
A: I sabotage the relationship, I tell him I don’t feel understood, I feel like I want more depth, I back away, I dream of moving away and starting over alone, I tell myself “it’s me or him”
R: I keep myself from having both a relationship and business
I have no idea why I think this. I also have thoughts like “he hampers my creativity” when he really has done no such thing. He tells me he is supportive of me all the time. I think because he doesn’t create content I somehow feel like he will judge me if I do.
Ok wait, so what’s actually happening here is that I’m afraid for him to see me. This is the story of my life. It’s not that I can’t do that when I’m with him. That’s an actual lie. What it really is is that I’m afraid for him to fully see me. Like why do I think I could do it without him but not with him? Because I’m afraid of being seen fully. And then I complain that I am lacking depth in my relationship. Well I’m probably lacking depth because I’m not showing my true self to anybody, still.
But I think if I moved far away and were part of a community of people I knew would understand, that it would be different. It actually might be! But the fact remains that I want to be fully seen so I have to put myself out there.
Let’s work backwards from the R
R: I put myself out there and am fully seen
A: I make content. I stumble through it. I just start without it being perfect. I start exactly where I am
F: determined, willing to fail and willing to be seen
T: I can express myself fully. I am not too much. I am called to share my authentic self. It is safe to show my authentic self. My authentic self is valuable. My authentic self is NEEDED in this world. (The last thought is the one that clicks in)
Okay. I think that’s it. Open to feedback on my backwards model
