Why can’t I change my thoughts

I love your relationship suggestions and appreciate reading other people’s relationship questions. I just can’t seem to change my thoughts and my feeling that I right and everyone else is wrong, even though I know what is not correct.
I over drank on Friday for the first time in almost nine months because I let myself get into such a state and in so much pain that I needed a way out. I don’t want to do that again. I want to be nicer and more forgiving but I can’t seem to avoid being caught up in the maelstrom of my husband’s thoughts, my thoughts about him. I have a huge manual for him: I want him to be nicer to his grandson, I want him to be friendly/pleasant to my kids, I want him to be happy to have friends over, I want him to find his own friends/hobbies, I want him to be cheerful, communicative, relaxed, I want him to stop over-spending, I want him to exercise and take care of his health and stress management, I want him to not get out-of-control angry, I want to not feel like I am walking on eggshells trying to make him happy.
I know all this is wrong thinking but if I give up on my need for him to do all these things, what if I just don’t like who he is?
I am not doing such a good job at being an ‘amazing wife.’ 🙁