So excited for this month!

Like most people, I have a long sordid history, but in recent years, I’ve done really well at recognizing the great things that have come into my life as a result of those hard experiences. I honestly am okay those things happened to me and feel grateful for the woman I’ve become.

However, even with those beliefs, my life seems to rotate around an overarching feeling of fear. I want to blame this on the series of 100s of unsafe events and uncertainty in my past. It’s like being afraid is my coping mechanism. When things start to go too well, I create drama so I can stay stuck in that space of uncertainty and fear. This is probably similar to the foreboding joy Brene Brown talks about.

I know the way out is to change my thinking, but I’m not sure exactly which thoughts need changing. Here’s a stab at a model:

C: Daily life
T: Being a little bit afraid of everything makes me feel more in control because I’m always on guard and can manage anything that comes up.
F: Fear and uncertainty
A: Go through life assuming bad things are going to happen so I can be prepared when they do.
R: Always feel unsafe

New model:
C: Daily life
T: I can handle anything life throws my way. [This still feels like trying to be in control of the fear though.]
F: Self-confidence
A:
R:

I want to know that I can handle anything so I can let go of the fear. I have plenty of evidence that I can. I’ve handled many hard things in my life, so I can continue to do so. But this feels like I have to go through life always on guard — just in case. Help!