Circle of control – Daughter

My 9-year-old stepdaughter has chosen to live with her mother because according to the mother ‘she hates her father’ (we did have a friendly, not court-enforced, 50% custody arrangement).

No incident occurred for her to “hate her father” and when we do get access to see her, she is still the same loving girl with zero hate. However, we can see her anxiety is getting higher, and the videos we are sent of the behavior she displays at her mother’s are disturbing.

We have arranged for her to see a therapist but the mother is not on board.

All we want is her returned to us because we see the sweet girl we know and love is changing before our eyes and we feel it gets worse the more time she spends with her mother.

We are going through all the legal channels to make this happen but I want to know how we control our thoughts/stress around this when I know we have no control over another human.

I also believe a 9-year-old isn’t capable of making the best decision for her welfare eg there are no rules at her mother’s so of course she would rather live there.