Codependency / longing for

I am a mess about my mother. I am stuck in a loop about it, and it’s ruining my entire life. I know that these are thoughts, but they feel true.

I feel this constant aching and longing for her, it’s pervasive and feels stuck inside me. I’m really caught in a thought trap.

I tell myself “relationships are two-sided, if she wants to have a relationship she can treat me with the minimum level of respect I ask for”, but then I’m hit with the “maybe this is all your fault” or “you should do something else to try to fix it” or “you’re going to feel guilty when she dies if you don’t do something to try and fix this now”.

And then I’m struck by horrific guilt. “What if she’s right, and this is all my fault?”. Or “what if I’ve made a really terrible mistake with my life”.

And then I ruminate.

“I’d love to see my mom get to know a grandchild. I’d love to see her so happy”.

And then I feel like a massive failure for being 37 and single.

And then I start thinking “something is wrong with me”. Or “I don’t want to feel this way for my entire life”, or “I’m wasting my life, and now I’m getting older” and “what the hell am I doing with my life”.

This is a painful cycle. I’m buffering over this deep-seated feeling of desperate longing I have for a relationship with her. I feel like I’ve done everything I can to repair this relationship, but there’s always this voice inside my head that says “maybe it really is your fault” and “just try again” and “well, you messed it all up, you should have stayed in your hometown and got married and had kids like your friends did, see, you’re not even happy now anyway. You royally screwed up.”

These voices are relentless. I spend all my time trying to escape this life I’ve built, and trying to be a productive member of society when underneath the facade, I’m dying inside.

I don’t even know what to do anymore. I have done so much therapy, but the voices telling me that it’s all my fault still remain. And if I decide to not believe the thoughts that say it’s all my fault, another thought comes up that says ‘you’re going to feel guilty when she dies’.

I feel like I’m ruining my own life.