Conflict between thought and desire

Below is my current model. What surprises me is how, even after revealing to myself what I’m choosing with my thoughts, I still feel resistant to change.

But I really do want a different result!

How can I make sense of the difference between what I really WANT and what I keep believing & doing that suggests I must not want it after all?

C: body aches and pains after a day’s art & fitness work
T: At my age, my body will give out before I can do enough work to become financially independent.
F: demoralized
A: overeat, procrastinate, cry, avoid looking at my calendar, sleep poorly, let everything go, stay in inaction.
R: I give up on myself even as my body is still functioning (pain or no pain). I don’t achieve my goal. I protect myself from the fear/effort of trying & failing. I blame my body instead of taking responsibility for giving up. I repeat old patterns. I create more evidence for how I’ll never be financially independent. I stay dependent on my husband. I don’t respect myself.