I’m in an MMG with 11 Americans, as the only exception. Here are my thoughts – and I’m aware that they are thoughts, and I know what makes me think them (see my Model). Please forgive me – I don’t want to think these thoughts: they are ruthless, inhuman, arrogant, judgmental, uninterested, insensitive, exclusive, functional. I want them to be kind and imperfect so that I can connect with them. Then I would feel included. So this is my manual, and here is my model:
C: I’m in an MMG group with 11 Americans.
T: They are not considering me their equal.
A: I look for reasons to hate them, give up trying to connect with them, judge myself for not having the traits they have, try to go unnoticed, not contribute to group discussions, and hate myself for my social anxiety issues
R: I’m not considering me their equal
I’m so attached to both the T and the R that I can’t move out of this loop. I’ve tried on different thoughts: tried to get out of a judgmental mood, tried to color my judgments gray, and then that this is not important, it is just an episode in my life, it will be over in March and then I can forget the whole thing and focus on building my business. But right now I’d like to be able to find a thought that would drive me to do these things during the MMG calls:
A: observe, learn, be critical, contribute, not imagine what their opinion is, be present
I’d need to have some kind of a neutral feeling like detached, focused. I can’t find the T that would create this feeling for me.