My dad has mid-stage Alzheimer’s and is married to a woman 20 years younger. He is 100% disabled from combat, and so receives a quite generous tax-free VA pension. He has managed their finances up until 3 years ago, and they have some house equity and $1,000 in savings. None of the money is being used for his care.

My sister and I live across the country in other states. His wife cannot manage details, never contacted the doctor about a 1” growth on neck, cannot tell us what his doctors report, and also neglects his personal care. She didn’t cut his nails for months. He only has one eye, and is a candidate for a cornea transplant because he scratched it with an inch-long nail and the swelling isn’t going down.

I have recently given him $5K for a renovation and started a meal delivery because she will leave him without food. I asked her to budget in $560/mo to have his health care taken of weekly. But, they keep saying they don’t have money. I told them I would pay another $2K for the renovations, and my dad told me in a lucid moment they would handle future expenses and couldn’t afford the home care. We have asked to help them manage finances, but they decline.

My sister and I are not willing to spend $65K a year on his care because he has a pension; we choose not to go into debt for him. If we did, my sister or I would move him to either of our states, and I’m not sure he would agree to it when lucid. I try to tell myself that he chose this life. He has chosen to stay with her. He has allowed this to happen.

I have been watching Brooke calls, and it sounds like I need to make peace with the worst possible outcome, which is that my dad will end up destitute in a sketchy VA facility alone for years, while she gets all of his pension money. Or, that he will wander outside and get hit by a car on their busy road. Or, that she will abuse him.

Any advice on how to make peace with something I cannot control. Here are some models; I’m not sure the R lines are correct. Thank you for helping me get some clarity and peace.

C: Dad has Alzheimer’s
T: He will end up in a deplorable VA assisted living facility
F: Despair
A: Try to manage his wife, fret, commiserate with sister, talk to doctors, try to control everything from across the country, fly out often (which takes time from my life and costs a lot), take multiple calls from them daily
R: I’m allowing my mind to be deplorable

C: Dad’s wife
T: She is incompetent
F: Anger
A: Send texts of things to do, manage all appts, stew, try to talk to dad about finances, vacillate from sympathy to hatred
R: I stay stuck in anger

C: Dad and his wife’s finances
T: How can they be broke while they have $70K annually tax-free (the money leftover from fixed expenses)?
F: Frustrated
A: Try to find out about spending/debts/or if she’s giving $ to her family, give them money, worry, talk to them about money concerns
R: I cause distress over something I don’t control

C: Dad’s wife managing finances solo
T: She should use HIS generous pension on his care
F: Furious
A: Talk to a lawyer, tell her about possibility of escalation, cry, stew
R: I cause distress over something I don’t control