Thank you for your answer! Here is my work about it.
Coach question from the last answer: In order to change the point of view you’re working from now, you have to be willing to let go of some of your current thoughts. How are they not true?
“He had an upbringing that made him repressed all that is about sex.”
Another person could have had exactly the same upbringing and be completely different. This is not his upbringing that made him the way he is, he made some choices, he decided what he wants to keep and what he wants to let go about his upbringing. Also, to think he is repressing all that is about sex is a judgement. This is black and white thinking. He wants to have sex and be married, so this can’t be completely true. It would be more exact to say that he has thoughts and emotions about sex. I don’t know exactly what he is thinking and feeling. This is his right to think, feel and what he wants about his sex life.
“He is not natural about it.”
I want to establish a norm, but human sexual behavior takes so many forms. I don’t really want to judge other people sexual choices. Every one has the right to do what he wants in his sex life. Human behavior is determined by so many factors, it has not a lot to do about “nature” anymore. I’m using this argument to judge my husband’s behavior, because I want him to change in order for me to feel better. This won’t work. Actually, this is me thinking this thought that makes me feel depressed!
“He should be more open.”
He has the right to think, feel, and do what he wants. This is a judgement. First, I don’t know how he feels. He may feel very open when he thinks about sex to his opinion, I don’t have any clue about it. I’m not in his head.
I’m using this sentence to criticize him, because I want him to change his behavior in order to feel “better” about my sex life. But this won’t work. What could work to feel more open myself?
Why should he want to have sex more often?
I want to manipulate his behavior for me to think and feel differently. Right now I feel disappointed about our sex life. I compare it to my sex life with my ex, and I want the same flavor of sex life that I had because I was thinking “this is great”, “this is the best sex I’ve ever had”, “we have fun”, “this is easy.”
Why should he want to talk about sex?
I’d like him to want to talk about sex for me to feel closer to him, to feel excitement, connection and intimacy.
What would you give yourself permission to think or feel if he did want sex more often and want to talk about it?
- “We are a real couple” validation
- “We are very close” connection
- “This is a great sex life” satisfied
What makes a couple “real”?
On a very basic level, I guess it’s when two people agree to form a couple. I know some people don’t want to have sex and are in a relationship anyway.
Would everyone agree with this definition?
I guess everyone would agree about it.
How is this definition serving your survival brain, but not your relationship goal?
The definition of a couple I have is more like a manual: a couple should have an intercourse once a week and should have conversations about sex. Not everyone would agree on that. I guess this is not a definition. This is not serving me, because I’m using this manual to judge my relationship and depreciate it. Then I’m depressed, stay isolated, and don’t engage with my husband. The result I get is that I don’t have the relationship I want and that I separate from my husband.
I came with those thoughts to practice:
- “We are a couple on a basic level.”
- “He is open about sex.”
- “He has the right to choose the sex life he wants.”
Thank you so much for this work!