Its late and I’m struggling with some depression. I am doing the writing, limiting my buffering and what comes up right now is depression. I have set my goal for the year, and my mind tells me it doesn’t matter because of past failures. i am aware I need to manage my mind and not go south on myself here. Progress to see it.
One thing I’ve realized most listening to you coach, is that it isn’t that I’ve not set out and worked towards goals and taken risks, its that I’ve made failure mean something bad about me. I see now that isnt helpful, its part of the deal, part of learning. I’ve done it so much i’ve really hurt myself.
As I’ve said before, I am divorced and only have the kids part of the time. I hate not having the family life I want and trying to manage money, working, cleaning, time with and without kids by myself. I hate having to plan things with others and stuff like driving to the mountains to ski by myself. fI realize to move on I have to get through this and as of yet I still end up depressed whenever they are off doing things without me and I have time off. Sometimes my x and I do things with the kids (skiing etc). Then I can be judgmental of myself for spending time with all of us because I make it mean I have no boundaries, but the competing desire is to have time with my kids no matter what. Sometimes I am fine when they are gone and other times I am anxious and want to crawl out of my skin. I hate this anxiety – Felt it since I was a kid, tight belly, scared, relieved by being around/caring for others. I’m also old enough to know its not likely going away.
What would you have me focus on/work on in these times. I am not sure of a result I want and who I would need to become. Perhaps a someone who has learned to live well on her own and is available for meeting new people and still committed and available to my children, someone who doesn’t go south on herself even when shes not getting the results she wanted. meone willing to feel what comes up , so the thought causing my current depression could be hopelessness.
thoughts, thanks Laura