I got rejected from something and took the opportunity to feel what came up, which was shame. Shame is one of the emotions I fear most. Here’s what I wrote down in the moment. Am I on the right track?
opportunity to feel it
like a downward pressure, starting from the ears
like i’ve done something wrong
it wasn’t meant to be (how do i know, because it didn’t happen)
i want to experience what shame and rejection feel like
this is a good thing
an immediate change in pressure in my body
ears feel hot
stomach feels tight but activated, like panic/fear
brows furrowed, shoulders shrink
most noticeably, a sudden downward pressure
(is that all? i can do that)
no urge to cry this time, interestingly
a flurry in the stomach
a general contracting of the body
it doesn’t feel good
the sense that i’ve behaved badly
i’ve done something wrong and i deserve punishment
After writing, I didn’t feel the feeling anymore. It went away. But I wonder if I’m pushing it away like I’ve always done, or if I’m on the right track?
I didn’t know, until now, how I didn’t know how to feel any emotion, even positive ones. Wow.