Whenever I get into disagreements especially in a romantic relationship I’m usually the one that folds first to try and solve things, even if I’m hurt. I can see some resentment in that statement as I type it. lol! That frustrates me but I also understand it’s how I have worked for a long time. I don’t enjoy conflict with people I love, the silence or knowing they are mad at me is so hard! My family resolved things quickly when I was growing up. So dating people that take space and distance has been hard.
Currently I’m very frustrated because my ex said something to me, I didn’t like it, I let him know in a very kind way and now he’s mad at me that I didn’t like it.
So in my IM my thought is “he is allowed to be frustrated and he will come around if he wants to” and that makes me feel more compassionate vs angry. I was very angry in my UM “how can he be mad at me if I’m the one hurt”, “he is making this such a bigger deal after a simple disagreement that could have been resolved in the moment”
I ask myself why am I getting more mad, or even clingy to him and pressing this if we are not together?
– I think it’s that I want the one up. I don’t want to be the cause of something ending or to be blamed.
Then I asked myself, why?
– I don’t want to be wrong or the reason for something ending or to be un-liked.
Then I ask, why don’t you want to be un-liked?
– The answer that comes is, maybe that means there’s something wrong with me and that a lot of people won’t like me. Also that if he thinks I’m so wrong how will I find people that are ok with who I am? And is who I am even ok?!
What are you making that mean?
– Maybe that I’m unlikable or un-loveable or afraid of being really alone in life. That I have turned into someone that people don’t like.
What I would love guidance on is, what do I do with all this information? I see it, it all makes sense, it’s all pretty deep and hurtful so where do I go with it?