I’m working on my relationship with my mom. I keep having very judgmental thoughts about her and things she does, the way she does them, etc. I’ve been coached on this before. Why is it a problem to be annoyed or disgusted by the circumstance of my mom? I did a model from an experience last night:

My thoughts: she smacks/makes a lot of noise and makes weird faces when she eats, she talks too loud, she burps at the table.

C: Dinner with mom
T: She’s disgusting
F: Disgusted
A: Don’t want to look at her or make eye contact, don’t engage in conversation (because the volume she speaks at annoys me and I think I can control my annoyance by changing the C of having a conversation), think of all the other “disgusting” things she does (now and in the past), look for other evidence of things I don’t like, don’t enjoy our time together, shut down and make a stern face, I judge myself for judging her and not being loving
R: I’m disgusted with myself.

I would like to move to acceptance with her, but (there’s the but!) I also feel like some of the things she does are actually disgusting and kind of unacceptable. I don’t want to be disgusted with her. I’m annoyed at myself for being annoyed with her and for reacting to those feelings I’m having but I find it difficult to allow those feelings to be there and not let them bother me.

Ideally I would like to enjoy her more, enjoy myself and our relationship more, or at least allow her to be how she is without wishing she was different. I keep telling myself I “can’t” accept her as she is and I know it’s making me not accept parts of myself too.

I would like to interrupt my current model and take different actions but I’m finding it hard to believe a better-feeling thought.

I have also asked myself whether I even want to “like” certain things about her or why I even want to have a better relationship. I really do want to be more accepting of her and myself, but I keep thinking that it’s very hard to do. I end up feeling worse when I act badly or in a not-super-accepting way towards her because I know that she picks up on it, and it just blocks connection. I want to feel loving towards her and I know I’m blocking loving thoughts in my own brain.

Is it just a matter of saying “I hear you brain…you think she’s disgusting, and that’s OK.” I don’t have to believe myself when I think that way. I can acknowledge it and CHOOSE to love her and myself anyway. There’s nothing wrong with having judgmental thoughts, except for thinking they shouldn’t be there and judging yourself for having them.

We all judge, but we don’t have to react to those judgments. We can choose what to believe and evaluate whether we want to keep creating the same results. If you don’t like your results stop telling yourself it’s too hard to change your thinking. If you keep thinking that it’s too hard you’re only blocking yourself from other ways of thinking.

Anyway…yes, I get it intellectually but I still have trouble putting it into practice.