I have written in before about this but I decided to move in with my boyfriend who I was thinking is amazing and I want to be with him and I’m pretty sure he’s my husband.
Now I am finding myself thinking critical thoughts about him and doubting if he’s the right person for me and I think I am afraid that I won’t be happy living with him, I’ll lose myself, I’ll lose my friends and my interests and my identity. I’m thinking he’ll judge and criticize me and that I’ll feel defensive and ashamed a lot. I’ll end up regarding it as a mistake. I keep questioning him like I’m trying to find evidence that he does criticize me and he doesn’t think I’m good enough as I am. Of course, then I end up with more doubt because I then interpret what he says into possible evidence that he might not be the right person for me. This is really bothering me and I am sure is probably not good for our relationship.
When I remind myself that my happiness is fully within my control, I keep coming back to wanting to be with him, wanting to really learn how to truly love him and to be happy and to really own my own experience and my own happiness with him.
I think what is bothering me the most is my doubt and that I’m judging him now.