Hi Brooke,
I just listened to the drama podcast and it really helped to clarify my main issue and reason for joining scholars. I’m in the final stages of writing my dissertation, but I continue with dramatic, suicidal thoughts to avoid and procrastinate my writing. Even while actually writing/editing, I have hateful thoughts about myself that spiral up to thoughts that I should die. It seems clear to me that in the past I used fear to motivate myself to complete work, and at a critical point I decided that this degree is not worth my life. However, I still have lots of suicidal thoughts and when I get anxious about deadlines, I go into panic and those thoughts start to become reality. Then I stop the writing to manage my mind. My unintential model is that I need to quite my degree to save myself from this pain/life threatening thoughts. When I pull away from the work and do other things in my life I enjoy life, so I know it is my thoughts about how I motivate myself to work that I need to change. I’m trying to apply the 100 unanswered urges to these self-harming, suicidal thoughts. Rather than resist them, allow myself to feel and experience the urge. But is this a self-pitying issue? Now I’m worried that I’m wallowing and just buffers with scholars work to avoid and procrastinate my writing, which is another thought spiral. My intention thought is that I must plan my work and honor that plan, but the “no matter what” thought really gets me to panic. Do you have suggestions for how I can use “no matter what” without inducing panic & fear-based thoughts?
Thanks!