Hi, I am a double diamond, working on body image, compulsive exercise and emotional eating. I am not on protocol these days. I had a generous piece of cake this afternoon and I noticed that I was not feeling emotionally at ease, so I thought to take the chance to look at my thoughts around it and specific at how my desire was driving my actions. Importantly, and different from many other models, I do not have a clear negative R line. Going backwards:
R: x amounts of fat, carbs, and protein in my body
A: ate the cake
F: convinced
Now here are some unconscious thoughts from my download for what I can remember of the moments before I ate it:
– It is a type of cake that is around only for these days of the year -> F hurried
– It is one of my favourite cakes; it is allowing for this desire to be rewarded -> F convinced
– I need to take care of my desires by giving myself this treat sometimes -> F elicited
– taking care of me is also taking care of desires for some immediate gratifications -> F elicited
1 – It is not fair if the desire for these flavours which are childhood memories are taken away from my life -> F entitled
2 – If I dont reward my desire I am being hard on myself -> F shame
3 – If I not reward this desire, it will be back later on when this cake wont be available any more -> F worry
4 – Not having it keeps my body closer to the body I have a preference for -> F guilty
– My reason for not having it (wanting a specific body) is superficial -> F shame -> A rebel
5 – Ok fine to have it, but the less I have of it the less likely I will find consequences of it on my body later on (body further away from the preferred version) -> F restricted
6 – Let’s hope I am satisfied with a small quantity of it -> F fear
I am not sure of what I can extract out of this soup of thoughts, could you please offer me your suggestion? Like for instance, do you see some underlying belief behind them I havent spotted yet? I would say that models 1-6 were all happening at the same time, and now I remember that the experience of having the cake was shaped by some negative feelings too, so emotionally dissonant. I think I’d like to have the same cake with more of a carefree mind in the future. Thanks for your help.