Hi, I am a double diamond. Today’s model relates to issues I have been working on since the very beginning, but still are coming back.
– C Eating while chatting with my parents on zoom. Towards the end of the meal doubt arises on whether to eat another piece of food or not. Increasing tension. went and pick up the food and had it
– T I gave into an urge
– F shame
– T: the only relief I can find from this shame is beating myself up. I need to be let alone for this
– F: hurry
– A: quit the conversation quickly
– R: indulge in shameful thoughts while buffering with social media and crush blackheads to compensate for the pain of this negative commentary I inflict on myself
So, these dynamics have come up over and over. What is it that I don’t want anymore? The fact that I am eating and some additional food I don’t have in front of me becomes necessary and urgent, so during the conversation either A) I run to the kitchen to add it to my plate, either B) I continue the conversation but I have that desire in the back of my mind and I start resisting and wanting the conversation to be over so that I can go and grab it.
Interestingly, I might in the end not eat more food than my body needs, or that I would have had if I did not experience any tension. So, what’s the difference? I did a thought download on the thoughts that my brain holds onto in those moments:
– It would be better if you didn’t eat that other piece
– You would be courageous if you didn’t eat it
– If you don’t eat it means you are strong, and you can control yourself
So, words/qualities I rewards myself if I don’t eat it are proud, courageous, worthy, strong, in control.
Other beliefs you saw conditioned my behaviour are:
– I need to beat myself up as bad as I behaved
– I cannot focus on my feelings and allow them while I am engaging a conversation with other people
I reasoned a bit more on these dynamics and I see that a crucial element are expectations:
Before the meal my brain comes up with an expectation that I will eat up to a certain quantity because that is “appropriate”. From there:
– C: Ate up to the quantity I pictured in my mind, still my hunger scale is low (at zero). Desire to eat up to +2, which is what I am generally doing
– [ Argue with reality: T I shouldn’t have all of this desire to eat more, this is bad ]
– T: If I don’t meet my expectations I am not proud, courageous, worthy, strong, in control.
– F: fear of not being enough
– A: resist resist, then give in
– T: I didn’t meet my expectations I deserve punishment
– F: urgency
– A: Beat myself up
– R: don’t access proud, courageous, worthy, strong, in control.
So, I know this is very long and I know I took some poetic licence in stretching the model. I will bring this to my 20 mins sessions; however, I would be really glad if you could offer me some first hint, suggestion to start working on it from now, thanks.