Fantasies as buffers……

Hi Brooke
haven’t been doing SCS work every day I must admit. I’m finding Feb harder than Jan, it doesn’t resonate as well with me and I find myself doing more thought downloads and models (which I LOVE) rather than emotion – generating work. Do you think that’s ok? I guess you wouldn’t have created the Feb work if it wasn’t helpful!! I just find working on my thoughts more helpful than generating feelings.

Anyway, sorry, reassurance-seeking. Not my main question.

Which is this:
I have gained/lost a huge amount of weight off and on over the last two years. Now, I know I put it back on because I have never done the long term work needed to keep weight off. And I’m trying my best to do it now. Only my head keeps yanking me back into old habits. I an finding it very hard indeed to stop myself from returning again to the “diet for XXXX time and then I’ll reward myself with wine and chips and cheese etc”. I do this EVERY TIME and I never “return from the binge”. Well, until I get desperate and start on my diet again. So, this time round I am working on not putting any time frame on my eating protocol/diet and to view it as “for life”. Or until I get to my goal weight, but I think that’s risky. I think I need to just do what I can to shift my thinking from “XXX time” to “Forever I eat like this”. But it’s such a struggle!! I feel overwhelmed and terribly sad and like I’m being really unrealistic to think I’ll always eat to plan – I just can’t believe in “Forever I eat like this” but anything less than that (for example: eat like this until I’ve lost ten pounds and then joy eat) feels like I’m once again “white knuckling” my way to a date/weight when I “let go”.

I think this has to do with me not being willing to give up food for fun. You’ll ask me why I’m not willing and all I can come up with are feelings rather than thoughts – feeling flat, feeling dreary, feeling empty, feeling exhausted, when I consider never eating for fun again. By eating for fun I realise I mean letting myself eat as much as I can of whatever I want with no restrictions…..

The other thing I do is, I fantasise about food. I think this is buffering in another form. Instead of eating, I just let my thoughts wander through dreams of food. And I seriously find it so hard to stop. My understanding is that if you try and suppress thoughts, they just get stronger, so I don’t know what to do about these fantasies. If I have them, I’m buffering. If I try and stop them, I’m thought suppressing. These fantasies fill me with a warm, cosy, relaxed, safe feeling I just can’t find anywhere else in life except in food and alcohol. I guess I’m just really sad about giving up that warm safe feeling because I honestly can’t see me ever getting it from anything else in life. I love my partner, I have a very happy and fulfilling and busy life. But nothing makes me feel that way like food and alcohol does.

Any advice? Sorry for the long and possibly nebulous question!