My husband told me a few days ago that I’m selfish and he’s really starting to think that I only think about myself.

I asked him why he says that and he referenced an incident from 15 years ago when we were dating, he had given me a nice watch and I had told him I wanted to exchange it for one with a second hand on it (at the time thinking it’d be helpful for taking vitals while in medical school); he said clearly I had no regard for the feelings of the gift giver in doing so.

He also referenced an incident from a week prior in which a co-worker had given me a “special” grapefruit to try, and I ate it all without sharing any with him (my husband).

He also said I never think to buy him anything just for the fun of it if I’m out and about running errands.

He also shared concern that he thinks I think everything is all about me and how I feel since learning through my coaching classes/reading/research that humans probably have “selfish” motives for everything, in that subconsciously everything we desire is such that we can feel a certain way.

When he told me all this I thought “I may act selfishly sometimes, but I don’t think I’m a selfish person at my core,” and “he is not feeling loved and cherished for some reason, I wonder what else he’s thinking leading to that?” And I felt confident in myself and compassion for him during the conversation.

It’s so interesting to me that at the time I was in a clear head space, liked how I showed up in the conversation, and was proud of how we ended up talking through it. He ended up apologizing and telling me he doesn’t think I’m selfish and he loves me.

But as the week has gone on I’ve noticed I’m feeling sad and doubting myself and have come up with a few similar models:
C-husband told me I’m selfish
T-I must be selfish then
I need to be less selfish
I need to be more loving/show my love differently than I do now
I shouldn’t be selfish
I wish he didn’t think I was selfish
F-sad and disappointed in self
A-tell myself I’m not a good enough partner
R-?? not love myself? not be a good partner to myself (not exactly sure here)

I think I’m taking on responsibility for how he’s feeling here? And using his words as evidence for the ol’ deep seeded thoughts that “I’m not good enough”?

I understand the words that we are only responsible for our own TFAR, but in a relationship, I’m thinking if it’s easier for him to have loving thoughts if I buy him a random gift, maybe I’d like to do that?

But isn’t that being manipulative then? Trying to get him to feel a certain way?

I could see that becoming a crazy making behavior, too…how many gifts or food items shared would be enough for him to have the thoughts he needs to feel loved? His thoughts are on him, not on me.

But…maybe I should be a better partner to him? But what does that even mean or look like? I don’t really think that’s a helpful question to ask my brain, yet I’m not sure which questions to ask that would be more helpful.

Ahhhhhhhh…as I’ve typed all this I think I’m trying to feel better about myself, and I’m looking for evidence that will give me permission to feel good about myself. Yet thinking on how I’m not a good enough partner and need to change is feeling pretty cruddy. Yet I don’t believe the thought “I’m a great partner as I am” right now, nor do I believe right now “I can feel good about myself even if my partner thinks I’m selfish sometimes.”

Appreciate any feedback, thank you!!