Feel like I’m starting over but worse

So I got to goal weight and then started gradually regaining.
At the moment I’m 12 pounds up from goal weight and in a cycle of a couple of days on protocol then a couple of days of eating everything that has sugar or flour in it.
It feels like starting over but in a way worse because now I think I’ve proven to myself I can’t sustain the weight loss. It was such a big focus to get down to that weight and I really wanted to move on and now here I am again having to double down, restart, watch all the videos again.
I was someone that just didn’t eat sugar and flour and now I’m back to the person that is sneaking food, hiding wrappers, feeling sick and ashamed. And every day getting on the scale with fear.
I think mainly the eating starts as buffering- work worries or self pity about working the weekend. But once I’ve eaten something off plan it’s just ramped up desire and following each urge. Then fear and self loathing continues to fuel it. Oh yes, and shame.
The thoughts:
I just can’t stop.
I’m gross.
There’s something wrong with me.
I’ll just finish this and then get back on track.
I can’t be proud of myself at this weight.
I’ve failed at this program.
There’s no use, I’m going to keep losing these 10 pounds for the rest of my life (this thought causes hopelessness)

Im resisting finding better thoughts because of the thought:
I’ve done that and it doesn’t stick I do all the thought work and generate the feelings and then just forget and eat again.

I know I won’t give up but I wonder if you can help me turn my head around again.
I have booked a tutor session this week but I would like to slow the weight gain before then.