Feeling broken/damaged and defective

Hi Brooke

It’s PG, I keep thinking the thought that there is something wrong with me and I’m different from everyone else after my childhood abuse and troubled childhood. I asked myself what I thought was wrong with me and why today in a TDL and yesterday I tried to feel this feeling. It felt like I was torn in the middle and there was this black hole/void in my body, it was like a dull ache and I was being stretched and that had made the hole in the centre of my chest and into my stomach.

In my TDL, my thoughts are I thinksomething has been damaged/broken inside of me, something in my inner core after what he did to me. I have turned something off or something died inside of me and I’m not like other people now, I’m different. I can’t love or trust anyone, I can’t let people in, every time I do they let me down or hurt me.

I asked myself what I think is turned off or dead and I indulged in confusion but I think it’s my ability to feel and experience my emotions, I’m talking about is dead or turned off. I think this is when I stopped letting myself feel my emotions when I was younger to cope with when I grew older and realised he had abused me and then with my parents tax case and ongoing issues, I just kept blocking my feelings out. I remember as child thinking about the abuse and getting upset so then I would tell myself, don’t think about it anymore, just pretend it never happened and you don’t have to deal with it or feel sad

Is it possible Brooke that the reason I think I’m defective is cause I can’t feel my emotions and I can sense that in my body?