Feeling Good enough

I realized as soon as I typed the Question Title that I had mixed up ‘feelings’ and ‘thoughts’. Thinking that I’m good enough is what leads to feeling good and satisfied and happy. The thoughts that I notice often are negative and more dramatic than I want. The drama is a time waster and I want that time back.

I did a observed practice coaching session using the Lefkoe Method and it was gruesome. My client had agreed to do this as a favor to me, and she was very into talking about her situation with her husband, her difficulty with conflict, the way she avoided social situations because ‘shutting down’ was like an all-purpose coping mechanism. I tried to guide the session but I didn’t have the skill to do that. My observer cut in 3 separate times saying things that threw me off whack and I stumbled around trying to get back on.
In the feedback after, I got some good information about how to change my wording, direct the conversation differently. Also, there were a couple of places I went through too fast and didn’t get her full ‘presence’ and experience of the decision she made at a young age that she couldn’t count on other people. So, I ended up with very usable information to improve my performance.

Here’s the thing; I would never in 100 years be able to sit and hear such a totally negative, uncomplimentary feedback session if not for ?your work. I can put myself into the position of working to learn this way of coaching which is very powerful, because it helped me and I think it is able to help a lot of other people. But, after being a physician for 20 years and an online teacher (due to handicap) for 10 years, I’m having to work very hard on capturing my thoughts and so many are so negative! I sometimes feel like I had my brain poisoned with disdain and contempt, at least my childhood definition. I’m soooooo much better than I was but it still takes me time. And sometimes I fall altogether, like the last 3 weeks at work fighting with my boss. With the idea of fierce self-love, how do I square that when my ‘self’ fails utterly. I get it that failure is required in any growth, and it shows the best way to improve. I know that. I totally know that. But I still just want to be right, to be admired, and to be the best ever at things I do. I end up feeling like a fool.