Follow up to “Holiday’s Approaching.”

Wow!!! I’m finally understanding what it means to resist an emotion or feeling. I’ve been resisting my feelings/emotions my whole life!!!! I used to think I never resisted my emotions because I wear my emotions on my sleeve as many family members have told me. So I felt because I never internalized my feelings and basically let people know how I feel at every moment has led me to believe that I never resist my emotions. That I always “got my feeling out”. That’s why I’m considered so confrontational. Just because I’m airing my feelings doesn’t mean I’m not resisting right? Example: Our oldest son (18) has autism. When living close to my siblings with kids the same age as mine, the fact that my son was “different” didn’t bother me so much. Now that he is older and I see all my nephews his age, dating, getting jobs, going to college, driving, becoming adults, I always had this nagging, pit in my stomach and complete sadness knowing that I will not necessarily enjoy these milestones with my son. I felt that expressing that thought/feeling to sisters/brother allowed me to “get it off my chest” and they naturally understood. They would try and make me feel better. I would talk myself out of my self pity and move on. “I have no control of this”, “he has other skills”…focus on the positive. What I’ve learned through thought downloads this month and really observing myself (outside myself) while spending time with nephews during Thanksgiving, I realized that I am resisting my feeling of complete and utter jealousy and envy! I never ever thought I would be jealous of my siblings! I mask it by drinking which sometimes makes it worse! (But it’s not the only reason I drink… still have to work on that). Because I have greatly reduced my alcohol intake, I’m seeing with much more clarity. Yesterday on the way home from work listening to study hall, I felt a pit in my stomach and just a sudden feeling of hurt and sadness and also awareness that wow I’ve never recognized how much I do envy my siblings with “normal” kids. I was always “resisting” that negative emotion. Not only with my siblings but with any friend with son’s the same age. I’ve never considered myself a jealous person and I actually hate the word and teach my teen girls not to use the word, but basically part of me is super jealous. I don’t think that “jealousy” is an emotion I need to allow. I think it is a indulging emotion for me. Now that I’ve opened the door to it and let it in, how long does it have to stay? 🙂 I know I’m always going to have to manage this feeling, with new milestones, weddings, babies, etc. I guess my question is am I on the right track with this thought process? To get rid of that feeling of jealousy should I start to bridge thoughts? Do I need to practice more detailed modeling instead of “modeling my way out of a bad thought” for the moment? I really think I need to schedule a self coaching call. Can’t wait to hear your thoughts.