First – I’m wondering if you can see who the questions are coming from? Meaning . . . does it come up on your end the last question I asked so that I don’t need to give you the “back story” every time 🙂 Just wanting to keep it the most simple that I can.
My last question to you was about my husband not telling the truth. You had some extremely helpful things to say, of course. I’d love to be in the place of what you said “The other thing you could do is focus on what you do want to feel for your husband”. I’ll start with that part. I’d love to feel unconditional love for him and be understanding. Sometimes I am. I even think I was getting o.k. with the fact of accepting that he will lie. Which I cannot even believe I might do! But, what happened kind of in conjunction with the lying is a really old pattern that happens. I think we are going along great and all is well. Having a blast with our 3 year old. Then I found out about his lying and he turns it on me. Says he doesn’t show up in the whole truth of who is he because he’s worried about the backlash from me. I let him know that’s not my problem. (And he admitted that he’s upset about his lying and the weakness he has . . his words) Anyway, I felt blindsided again because I thought we were doing well, then he’s suddenly so unhappy in our relationship, etc. Which makes me feel pissed and HATRED for him. I’d like to just be curious, fascinated. But, I haven’t been able to make it over that hurdle for YEARS. I’m hopeful I can do it. . . but not convinced. Makes me want to divorce him, but that’s not an option now that we have a 3 year old who I don’t want to be affected by the fact that we can’t get our shit together. Plus, I realize if we got a divorce, I’d probably be more upset because I wouldn’t want to be without our son, and yet, I’d be overwhelmed caring for him by myself. Hmmm. I’ve kind of got myself backed into a corner. So, then, I try to decide to love him and see him as wounded . . . then he does something that sends me through the roof and makes me hate him again.
Interesting your topic on the podcast this week. . . .about therapy / coaching. We’ve had YEARS of couple therapy and are still at this place. Hence, the reason I’m in SCS 🙂 Whatever you can say about this . . .I will be so grateful.
Also, in your response to my lying question . . .you said, “you get to decide what you want to do with your finances that doesn’t rely on him telling you the truth”. I want to do that. I don’t know what that means though. Have all finances separate and tell him it’s because he’s not truthful?
Here’s what else you said about lying “Often people will ask me, Well then how I can ever trust him? Trust is so important. But the thing about trust is that it depends on you not him. At this point I think you can trust that he will tell white lies. What you make that mean to you and your marriage is where all of your power is. Don’t pretend or deny, but also don’t believe that you have control over changing it.”
What could I make the lying mean? It’s no big deal? I know I can’t change him . . .but I certainly don’t want him to teach our son this. That will make me beyond pissed.
I’ll stop there!
Love you 😉